Over the past few months, Chris and I have been attending local events for women business owners. We have heard at several of them, when reviewing the “mission” of the group, that they are not a “selling-organization.” They are for support, sharing of ideas and best practices, etc.

After observing what happens at these groups, please forgive me if I say “ARE YOU FRIGGIN’ KIDDING ME?”

**Warning** major rant ahead…

First of all, many of the women in these rooms are broke. I know because I’ve sat down with them to discuss their businesses. They are barely scraping by. Second of all, women already have a reluctance to sell (discussed more in the article below) and now they are being told these groups are for support – not selling?

I admit when I was a struggling business owner, it did feel good to find out that others were in the same boat as me. What it did NOT do was help me grow my business!

But it wasn’t until I started hanging around successful business owners – people who were where I wanted to be – that my business started to change.

If you’re tired of struggling in business, and even more tired of talking about it, then it’s time to do something different. Join us over at http://www.myincome180.com/ for a new approach to growing a business – rapidly!

In the last two articles, we have been discussing three theories as to why women are naturally good at the interaction (connection) and often really bad at the transaction (asking for the money).

1. Low self-esteem
2. Taught to cooperate, not compete
3. Our view of sales

Here is the third reason!

No matter what business you are in – selling MUST take place for you to be in business. Yet many women are opposed to selling their services, one-on-one, in a direct sales conversation. Why is this?

Most likely it’s because sales has gotten such a bad rap. If you were to write down the first five words that come to your mind when you hear the word “salesperson”, you would probably write a list that looks something like this:

• Manipulative
• Greedy
• Liar
• Pushy
• Self-serving

If this is how you view salespeople and selling, then of course you would never want to be seen like that! You’ll do anything you can to avoid people seeing you as pushy, selfish, manipulative, etc.

And if you’re doing everything you can to avoid sales,
I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark and assume that you’re broke!

The solution is to reframe what you believe about sales. What we have to realize is that sales really does STINK! (Wait, how does that help us?) Let’s look at the following model:

Service
Teaching
Integrity
Natural
Key

SERVICE: When we break it down, most products and services are sold to help solve a problem. If that is what your product does, you are doing a service by selling it. We have to remember, sales is not something you do TO someone, it is something you do FOR someone.

TEACHING: Most sales are made by educating the consumer first. You’re either clarifying their problem for them, or teaching them how your product can be a solution for them. Either way, you are adding to their knowledge base whether or not they buy from you.

INTEGRITY: If you truly believe in your product or service, and you know it can help people – then it is within your integrity to tell people about it. As a matter of fact, if you know you can help people and you withhold that information, I would go so far as to say you are out of integrity by holding back.

NATURAL: I wish I had a dollar for every person who has ever said to me “I’m just not a natural salesperson.” To that I say, “Bullsh*t!” Have you ever had a second date? Then you’ve sold! Are you married? Oh baby, you’ve really sold yourself! You convinced someone that you are the right person for them to spend the rest of your life with. (Of course, they may now want a refund! 😉 We’re all born with the ability to sell. Just watch a 4-year old who wants a cookie. They will negotiate, conjole, bargain, cry, charm…whatever they have to do to get that cookie.

KEY: Sales is the lifeblood of your business. Again, if you’re not selling – you’re not in business! Mastering sales really is the key to business success.

The bottom line is you must reframe how you see sales and STOP hiding behind other activities in your business

Q: On a recent call with Chris, he talked about the problem of running away from pain and suggested that one of the ways to get motivated was expressing what circumstances you DON’T want in your life. Isn’t the Law of Attraction to attract what you desire through emotion and visualization of what you DO want the exact opposite strategy? I am confused? ~ Colleen

A: Hi Colleen. I am a firm believer in the Law of Attraction. Therefore, my goal isn’t to suggest you should constantly focus on pain and lack. What I think is productive is to think through the cost of inaction so you know how your decision to move forward in business or not impacts others. I don’t want you to constantly focus on it but rather just think it through so you are more likely to stay in action.

Also remember that both pleasure AND pain motivate. So the law of attraction is working with the part of the law that focuses on pleasure. Unfortunately, as humans, we are AT TIMES more motivated by pain than pleasure. And that is the key.

When you realize that you’ve been focused on your dream or desire for awhile but you’re just not getting anywhere, it’s time to evaluate your thoughts, feelings and actions. If you’re constantly spinning positive thoughts (like the Law of Attraction teaches) but not taking bold enough actions to get what you want – I guarantee you will be frustrated.

Instead, take a few moments to think about all that you will lose if you don’t reach your goal…and see if that doesn’t stir you to take bold action.

In the last article, I wrote about how as women, we are naturally good at the interaction (connection) and often really bad at the transaction (asking for the money).

I suggested three theories as to why this is:

1. Low self-esteem
2. Taught to cooperate, not compete
3. Our view of sales

On to the second reason.

Most women have been taught to be cooperative – not competitive. Though times are changing, think back to when you were young playing on the playground. What were the boys doing? Most likely fighting, racing, wrestling, name calling – whatever they could do to beat the other boys.

With girls, we were playing jump rope, or with dolls, or playing house. And if a little girl called me a name? I wouldn’t talk to her because she was mean. I wouldn’t try and one-up her. Or wrestle her to the ground.

You see, by and large, boys are trained to be competitive. To boast about themselves and their accomplishments.

Women are trained to be cooperative. Put ourselves down. Deflect compliments (“This dress? Oh it was only $9.99”). Never appear to be bragging.

So isn’t it obvious how this hinders us in selling ourselves or our products and services?

I’ve heard women in business, when asked by a prospect about their competition (“What do you think about so and so?), to sing their competition’s praises so well, the prospect wanted to hire the competition instead!!

I’m not saying you should throw your competition under the bus. But at least give yourself a fighting chance!

So how do we fix this? Since most of us are SO uncomfortable with the idea of self-promotion, here are a couple of strategies to get you started.

• Stop deflecting compliments. The next time someone compliments you, simply say “Thank you.” You won’t believe how difficult this is.
• Start letting yourself win. If you often let others win games (scrabble, euchre, wii, etc.) trying winning for a change. And when you win, be gracious not apologetic!
• Stop dwelling on your mistakes and foibles. I heard Brendan Bouchard speak this past weekend. He said that science is showing more and more that anxiety and depression are directly related to how long we hold onto negative thoughts about ourselves and our situations.
• Start putting yourself first. Take the last piece of pie. Choose the movie you want to see. Start asserting yourself in small ways – so when you need to assert yourself in a sales situation – it comes more naturally.
• Stop thinking of self-promotion as a bad thing. Most men have the attitude “if I don’t sing my own praises, no one will.” And they are right! For the first three years in my business, I wouldn’t ask for a referral or the business from a prospect because I felt like I was good at what I do and people should just want to work with me. This is a delusion!

And for heaven’s sake, start thinking of sales as a good thing! In our next article, I will share how our view of sales keeps us broke.

Q: How do I get past the pain of the past? When I was a sales director a few years ago, I found myself always at the beck and call of my unit. I felt drained of all my energy and could not concentrate on my personal business. I eventually quit. Now I am heading toward directorship again and I have a team member that is draining the life out of me. My guts hurt because I don’t want to do this again. I have to be able to run my own business. I am about ready to quit again. ~ Carolyn

A: Hi Carolyn. Yours is a great question and one I think a lot of people struggle with. Not necessarily because they have a needy team member but because they seem to attract the same type of people or situations into their life over and over again.

The key for you is to look at why that may be. Why do you continue to attract people who are needy, dependent, and victims? Does that parallel anything else in your life? Are you always the savior? Do you give and give to others without them appreciating you or giving anything back?

If so, then this is just a recurring pattern. One you have to break if you are ever to get ahead in this business.

The other possibility is that you have suppressed your own neediness. Maybe you are uber-independent and self-sufficient. So other people’s neediness is especially unattractive. But just realize, you will attract what you can’t be with. Another way of saying, what you resist, persists.

These are just some areas to examine to understand why you may be recreating the same situation over again.

After coaching women business owners over the past three years, I’ve come to realize that as women, we are naturally good at the interaction and really bad at the transaction.

Connecting over a cup of coffee? NO problem!
Quoting our services proudly and confidently? Suddenly we get all squirmy.

The other day Chris and I were on the phone with a woman who was selling us her services and we were ready to buy. We were near the end of the call when I realized she never quoted us her price. When I asked her what people pay her for her service, she must have thought I said “how” because she went on about paypal, credit card, etc.

Here she was about to get off the phone with very interested prospects without ever telling us what her service would cost.

So why is it that as women, we have such a hard time asking for the money? I have three theories:

1. Low self-esteem
2. Taught to cooperate, not compete
3. Our view of sales

I’m going to tackle these separately over the next couple of weeks because, as you can imagine, I have a lot to say about each of these. ;-).

LOW SELF- ESTEEM

When it comes to low self-esteem, it’s not like women have the market on this. There are plenty of men that have low self-esteem. But when it comes to business, women – more than men – get completely stuck because of a low “deserve” level. It tends to show up in three areas:

• I don’t know enough…
• I’m not worthy enough…
• I can’t handle it…

Looking at these statements, realize that they all can be completed with “compared to…” And this is a BIG problem for women.

For centuries women have had to compete with each other for survival. (The most attractive and fertile were almost guaranteed a mate and protector.) Now that the threat for physical survival has passed – at least in our part of the world – it doesn’t mean that the psychological threat has lost its grip on us.

And while we may be unconscious to this need to be the prettiest, best, productive, etc. it still runs our behavior. Thus, our constant comparing ourselves to other women always leaves us feeling “less than”.

So of course we don’t feel like we are enough because we’re likely measuring ourselves against impossibly high standards.

If you find yourself doubting your skills, knowledge, service/product, etc. there is likely nothing wrong with them, just your view of them.

Here’s what has helped me recently:

• I have a body, I am not my body
• God gave me this body for a reason
• I am unique, in that not one other person in this world has my unique blend of experience, wisdom, humor, talent, and insight so God must have given me this and want me to do something with it!
• I may not know everything, but I know a lot more about what I do than my prospect.
• To every 3rd grader, a 4th grader is a god.
• Every mistake I make is a lesson to be learned, and then taught to others. Therefore, nothing is really a mistake.
• I can only see the beauty, intelligence, competence in another woman if it exists somewhere in me. (Because we see the world, not as IT is, but as WE are!)

If low self-esteem is impacting your business or life, I would encourage you to really give these thoughts some serious consideration.

Next time, we’ll discuss the Cooperation vs. Competition challenge we face as women!

Q: You mentioned on a recent call how to take note of how often we say “Oh, I can’t afford that” or “wouldn’t that be nice,” etc. to get an idea of our own financial blueprint. Aside from “buying that expensive cheese”…what other strategies did you use to change our blueprint? Does this come back to a low deserve level? How do you fix that and raise the bar? Will nothing else change until that does? ~ Cheryl Bower

A: Hi Cheryl. To answer your core question “will nothing change until that does (low deserve level or blueprint)” – yes and no. Remember when we said that you can initiate change two ways – internally and externally? Well internal change (subconscious) takes longer but is more permanent. While external change (actions & behaviors) can be immediate but are not typically sustainable without the internal shift taking place.

So while you’re trying to change your financial blueprint – make sure you are working on both. Mantras and affirmations are great – they start the subconscious reprogramming. But your actions also have to be in alignment with what you say you want or deserve.

If you’re saying “money comes easily and frequently from expected and unexpected sources” every day but you’re not getting off the couch and making the phone calls you need to make – I guarantee you won’t get the results you want – just more frustration.

It’s time to be honest with yourself. Are you BEING and DOING everything you need to in order to HAVE the production you want? Only you can answer this.

Leadership may be one of the most talked about subjects in business today. There are many theories on leadership – how to find leaders, how to teach leadership to others and, of course, improve our own leadership.

Perhaps we can best understand leadership by dispelling the #1 Myth about Leadership. (Before you begin reading, stop and think of one person you know who embodies leadership. It may be someone you work under, someone who coached a team you were on, or a world leader. Test this theory against YOUR ideal leader.)

#1 MYTH – Great leaders are made, not born

Now before you get all up in arms and start regaling me with examples of leaders who were developed and not born, let me state that I’m not saying the opposite of this myth is true. What I would like to suggest is a compromise. Instead of believing either/or is the only possibility, let’s take a look at what happens if both lines of thinking are correct.

I will concede for the sake of space that many leadership qualities are teachable. Given proper guidance, mentoring and instruction over time, qualities such as empathy, persistence and effective communication can be learned. Otherwise, it would be hypocritical of me to encourage leadership development with my clients.

However, in my opinion based on over twenty years of experience studying human behavior, some innate abilities – like a talent – cannot be taught to a person who wasn’t born with them.

Consider the TV reality show, Dancing with the Stars, as an example of how we can illustrate this theory. If you were not among the 92 million viewers of this hit ABC show, allow me to explain the premise. Stars from various fields (e.g., movies, music and sports) are paired up with professional dancers to compete in a Ballroom and Latin dance competition. The stars have to learn a new dance every week and then perform before judges and a live audience. The judges critique and score each couple, and then viewers call in to vote for their favorites.

While I admit I was attracted to this show purely for its entertainment value (One season they had a rap star, a female boxer and Jerry Springer dancing? Come on, that’s good TV!), I couldn’t help but draw parallels between the dancing ability of the stars and some business qualities such as leadership, when it comes to natural talent versus learned skills.

Anyone who has watched this program would agree that SOME THINGS IN DANCE can’t be taught. Grace, rhythm and hip flexibility come to mind. Certain stars learned the steps perfectly week after week, but still could not execute them in a manner befitting a ballroom dancer.

So, too is the case with leadership. There are many steps – i.e., skills – you can memorize and be taught to practice which, over time, you may become adept at executing.

But there is at least one key element of leadership that I’m convinced you either have or you don’t. I will go so far as to say that in my career I have never seen someone master it when they didn’t have it to begin with.

This quality or trait is OPTIMISM. I don’t mean a perpetually sunny or “glass-is-half-full” disposition. By “optimism,” I mean an unwavering confidence that the current situation – no matter how dire – can lead to a better future.

This discussion dovetails nicely with another must-have quality of great leaders: Vision. While I believe you can help someone develop a vision or a visionary mindset, the optimism or positive state of mind seems for leaders to come even before a specific vision is created or conceived. It is an established quality they bring to the table.

On the flip side, the pessimistic person typically cannot envision a better future- for themselves or others. If you’ve spent any time trying to paint a positive picture for a pessimist, you know that it is an exercise in futility. You suggest a winning strategy; they knock it down. You see possibilities; they see obstacles.

Does this mean that there is no room in an organization for the critical-minded, skeptical person? Absolutely not. But in a leadership role? Don’t even think about it.

Q: I heard you and Chris say on a call last week that “If it triggers you, it’s about you.” While I think I get this conceptually, could you explain it a little further? ~ Amanda Valade, Indianapolis, IN

A: Hi Amanda. I would love to. I think the easiest way to explain this is to give you an example.

Let’s say someone calls you fat. If you had grown up with weight issues or body image concerns that word may be very painful for you and you would likely be hurt by this persons comment. However, if you had been thin all your life and had a healthy body image, you might be confused (maybe even amused) by this persons words, but it would hardly trigger the same hurtful emotions in you.

So you see, the event is the same: someone called you fat. How you respond to it completely depends upon what is already living inside you regarding the word or label “fat.”

Let’s look at another example that I heard recently. One woman’s husband said her business was a “hobby”, that it would never make a profit and that she should just give up. She told me she felt defensive, attacked and not supported.

Instead of making her husband wrong (which in the past – I would have had no problem jumping on that bandwagon 😉 I wanted her to see why it triggered her so much. I asked her if she had ever questioned the viability of her business and if she would be able to make it profitable. She admitted that she questioned it frequently.

But instead of acknowledging that she herself felt this way, she resented her husband for speaking her own fears back to her. He is simply mirroring back to her what’s inside of her.

So instead of reacting by attacking her husband (“oh yeah, well you do this…”) she needed to look at her own beliefs, thoughts and actions around her business.

Since you didn’t give me a specific example from your own life – I hope this helps you understand the concept better.

Q: Hi Nancy! I’m new to direct sales. And while I find the networking part of it very easy (I’m a High “I” after all) I find that it’s difficult to switch from the “getting to know you” part of an appointment to the “do you want to sign up?” part. It seems awkward to go from personal to business. Is it just me? ~ Julie Tasker, Niagara, Ontario

A: Hi Julie. First things first, no it’s not just you! Many women have difficulty with the transition. We’re great at the interaction, bad at the transaction. While I could on and on as to why this is (and why men have less difficulty with this than women), I’m just going to give you what’s worked for me.

Since I too used to find the transition awkward, I now let people know at the front end how our conversation is going to go. It sounds something like this, “Hi Julie, since we only have an hour together, I want to make sure we cover everything. I want to learn a little about you, your specific challenges in business, and how I might be able to help. If it makes sense, I might even recommend a specific solution. How does that sound?”

For you, it might sound something like this: “Jane, since we have a short time together, I want to make sure we cover everything. I want to learn a little about you, your current work situation and if my business opportunity might be of interest to you. How does that sound?”

Once you’ve let them know you may be offering something, it’s not weird to turn the conversation to the “transaction” when it’s time.