The Simple Solution to Overwhelm

My 2-year old nephew Kai has a favorite word…NO! He uses it all the time. Even for things he wants to say yes to. Sometimes I’ll even ask him a series of questions to try and trip him up.

Me: Kai, it’s time to eat lunch.
Kai: No!
Me: Aren’t you hungry?
Kai: No!
Me: Do you want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
Kai: No!
Me: Do you want ice cream instead?
Kai: Noooouhhhyeahhhhh!

He’s so programmed to say no that lately his Yes has sounded like this – Yeowww – and I have to ask for clarification – is that a yes or a no? – only then will he say “yes” perfectly clear.

As amusing as this stage of development happens to be (and at times, completely frustrating), it is fascinating to watch how easily Kai rejects every suggestion or request of him without one iota of guilt or self-consciousness.

Somewhere between 2 and adulthood, that defiance, that love of the word “no” will get squashed or at least repressed. Through discipline, school, social norms, Kai will lose his affection for the word and maybe even his ability to say it when needed.

Now, I’m not saying that we should never discipline stubbornness or obstinance in children. There are definite boundaries I have with my nieces and nephews and they are very clear where the line is.

My point is that this essential trait of being able to say “no” is usually removed from us and as adults (depending in part on gender and personality type) we may have difficulty saying no to the requests of others.

We coach a lot of women in our business and one theme we hear over and over is OVERWHELM. When we start to get at the root of the cause (overwhelm is the effect) we see that the inability to say no has many of them overbooked, overworked, and running on empty.

So what’s at the root cause of the inability to say no? Typically it stems from a chronic need to please others brought on by low self-esteem and a need for approval.

That’s why I think Kai’s ability to stand toe-to-toe to me in defiance is actually a beautiful thing…something I’m almost afraid to discipline out of him. That self-esteem, independence, and chutzpah he has right now are such useful traits for his future.

So what can you do if you realize you are over-obligated because of your inability to say no?
First things first – select one thing you want to say no in the future (no sense worrying about the past). Maybe it’s helping that neighbor who always seems to be in need of your time. Maybe it’s the PTA monthly meeting that you end up running every month.

Here’s how to identify what you should say no to. What makes you feel resentful after you agree to it? Resentment is a sure sign you should have said no in the first place.

Second, the very next time this request comes up, simply say to the person, “I’m sorry. I’d like to help but I can’t.”

That’s it. No excuses or reasons. This short, simple statement conveys your sincere desire to help but your regret that you can’t. It’s also very important that you say nothing else after this statement. Let them talk next. Otherwise you run the risk of feeling guilty and then committing to something else instead.

Last, remember practice makes perfect. If you’ve spent a lifetime saying “yes” (well, since you were two anyway!) it will take some time to get used to saying “no”. Expect some setbacks. But with some practice and reminding yourself WWKD (“What would Kai do?) you may be able to break the bad habit of always putting other’s needs ahead of your own.