How To Ruin Any Relationship

A while back, I was at a local networking event and met a dynamic and energetic woman. We’ll call her Gidget. As soon as the initial pleasantries were exchanged, we discovered our mutual love for the DISC tool and started to share all our experiences using the tool to make sense of people’s behavior.

We spoke for the longest time and at the end of the evening, she stood out as one of my favorite people from the night.

It’s no wonder that I bonded with someone I had so much in common with. Tony Robbins has this to say in his book Unlimited Power:

“Take any relationship between any two people, and you’ll find the first thing that created their bond was something they had in common.”

He goes on to dispute the notion that “opposites attract” by pointing out that we rarely gravitate towards people who think very differently than us on a lot of subjects. We would almost never say, “That guy is great. We see nothing the same and he challenges most everything I say.”

So similarity or commonality seems to be a part of the foundation of relationships. Want to know what can rock that foundation?

Begin to focus on differences.

Over the years, I’ve realized that whenever a relationship of mine started to deteriorate, it was mainly because I shifted from focusing on someone’s great qualities to somehow focusing on their bad qualities (or how they were different from me).

I now believe there is no faster way to kill a relationship than to notice and then focus on someone’s foibles and shortcomings.

Because remember the principle; what you focus on expands. Their faults will keep expanding until they eclipse their virtues and faults are all you will see.

Let me share a story with you. When I first started dating my boyfriend, he of course walked on water! We had so much in common and so many similar interests, it felt like we were perfectly in sync.

As we began to spend more and more time with each other, I noticed that he wasn’t as quick to pick up his messes as I was. I have the habit of always picking up any dish or glass I’ve used and at least getting it in the sink. Yet, his glasses, water bottles, cereal bowls, seemed to gather and multiply in the living room…and go unnoticed.

More and more I found myself picking up after him and growing to resent it. What’s more, I started focusing on that little peccadillo and forgetting that he had gone grocery shopping, made dinner and did the dishes (at least the ones that were already in the sink). Hard to believe right?

Unfortunately it’s easier to do this than you would know. Think of someone close to you who you have frustrations with. I’m sure you spend quite a bit of time focusing on where they are different than you (and what bugs you) than focusing on what brought you together – common interests and positive qualities.

So what’s the solution?  Tony Robbins went on to say, “The way to go from discord to harmony is to go from concentrating on differences to concentrating on similarities.”

That’s it. Reverse the process. Forget or at least minimize the negatives and focus on the positives. Here’s a few ways to do this:

• Write a list of all the wonderful qualities that attracted you to him/her when you met.
• Challenge yourself to go a full day and every time you start to think of the negatives, say “CANCEL” and think of something positive.
• Reminisce with them about your first few meetings. (Include initial impressions, first things you said to each other, first time you decided “hey, I kinda like this person”)
• Express gratitude to him/her for something – anything. You’ll be amazed at the response especially if it’s been a long time since you sincerely thanked them for something.

In most relationships, it’s not too late to change the dynamic of the relationship by changing what you focus on. It’s just takes a little awareness, patience and willingness.

And trust me – the rewards are so worth it!