Are you in a toxic relationship?

Sometimes we hear about someone’s behavior in a relationship and it’s easy to label it as “abusive”.  Physical abuse and verbal abuse (including rants, swearing, insults) are simple to spot.  But sometimes there is behavior that doesn’t feel right but it’s so insidious that it’s difficult to pinpoint as abusive.

This past week, I was at a seminar and they were talking about problems in relationships that can create problems in your business (specifically when it comes to promoting and selling yourself).

They used the term “toxic relationships” and gave a list of the cause and effects of toxic behavior.  As I went through the list, it was interesting to note that at times – I have been a victim of these behaviors but I’ve also been the perpetrator.

For an eye-opening exercise, go through the list and rank your relationship on a scale of 1 to 10.  1 indicating no problem, 5 being warning signs, and 10 being toxic.

• Your partner puts you down verbally, in private or in front of others.  
• Your partner tells you he/she loves you but behavior shows otherwise.
• Your partner doesn’t want you to see or talk to friends or family.
• Your partner is jealous of the time you spend with your kids.
• Your partner shows up often unexpectedly or opens your mail/email.
• You cry often or feel depressed over your relationship.
• Your partner calls you often to see what you are doing.
• Your partner says you would have the perfect relationship if only….you would change.
• Your partner wants you to be dependent on him/her.
• Your partner does things for you and then uses them to make you feel obligated.
• Your thoughts, opinions, accomplishments or words are devalued.
• Your friends and family don’t like your partner or think they are good for you.
• You always go where your partner wants to and hardly ever where you want to.
• You feel afraid or unsafe, and you’ve been afraid to speak the truth at times for fear of upsetting him or her. (walking on eggshells)
• You don’t feel you have control of your life anymore.
• Your self-esteem is lower since you’ve been with your partner.
• It’s always up to you to make the relationship work.
• You keep secrets about your relationship from others who love you because they wouldn’t understand.
• Your partner makes you feel unattractive or stupid.
• Your partner accuses you of cheating and is constantly jealous.
• Your partner can be really sweet to you one minute and really mean the next.  (Not just angry.  Anger is normal, mean is not!)
• Your partner seems really sweet/loving to you when he or she thinks you are about to leave the relationship or after he/she has been mean to you.
• You can’t remember the last time you felt happy for more than a few days straight.

If after rating this list 1 to 10, you have more higher numbers than low, you are in a toxic relationship.  While it may be a hard thing to face, awareness is always the first step to change.  Toxic relationships negatively effect your self-esteem, your confidence to take risks, and your ability to build a business.  (And needless to say, any children that witness the toxic dynamic.) 

While it’s beyond my ability through an article to tell you what you should do about the relationship, the first thing to do for yourself is find someone to talk to.  A trusted advisor or counselor is a good place to start.  Remember, every journey begins with one step.