I’m no relationship expert. Not by a long shot. But I’ve had my fair share, observed and studied many, and make my living as a behavioral analyst. So expert or no, I have some lessons to share.
There are things I have been guilty of doing and when I look around, I see other women (and some men) make these same mistakes. So without further ado…here are three more lessons I’ve learned about relationships.
1) Don’t expect your partner to be you. One of the biggest mistakes we make in life, let alone in relationships, is expecting others to act, react and respond to things the way we do. In particular, I’ve observed that many women expect men to notice the things they do – which is usually every little thing!
I can tell you from personal experience that men don’t notice half of what women notice. (Generalization? You betcha!) Just ask a man to go fetch a bottle of anything from the fridge. Or to find something in a closet. I recently had a ton of stuff for my house “hidden” in my trunk to surprise my beau. He went to put something in there one day and I panicked “Oh no, he’s going to see the stuff I bought.” Nope, didn’t even see it.
I share this not to pick on men but to raise awareness that if you think your partner or husband is just leaving the dirty glasses around the house to annoy you, he isn’t. He just doesn’t see them. Or if he does see them, he doesn’t react the same way to them. They don’t bother him. He isn’t you!
2) Don’t let resentment build! In the past, whenever something bothered me, this was my M.O.
- Start by making hints and suggestions (which may included subtle shifts in body language, “the stare”, or casual, indirect comments)
- Then proceed to the silent treatment (if I’m not talking – of course he’ll understand what he did wrong)
- On to sarcasm (which is the first indication he might realize something is wrong although he probably won’t know what it is)
- And finally, explode with some accusatory comment
The problem I’ve realized is that men usually don’t pick up on the first two. So while we get more and more frustrated, they tend to be oblivious to our ever-growing-resentment.
It’s taken me a long time to be able to say, “Honey, when you do X, it makes me feel Y. I would love it if you could do Z instead.” The lesson for me is when I do this with no blame or anger, the results are usually what I wanted – a change in behavior. The difference is I made a request from a neutral place. I didn’t blame, complain, whine or cry.
3) Be ridiculously loyal to one another in public. I see so many couples tease, be sarcastic and outright attack each other in front of other people. It’s embarrassing and uncomfortable for everyone else and I’m convinced it’s cancer for a relationship.
In our relationship, we noticed our tendency to be sarcastic with each other early on. I issued a challenge. “Let’s not be that couple. Let’s be absolutely loving, loyal and positive with each other when with our friends and family.”
Why did we set this boundary for public interaction? Because it’s more likely to happen in public (the need to be cool or have something to say) and go unchecked (we may not want to defend ourselves because we’ll look overly sensitive).
Have we been perfect? Nope. Just one example: I recently slipped in front of my girlfriends and said something sarcastic to him. He let it go in the moment. But because of our commitment, he was able to call me out on the behavior later on. At that point, all I could do was apologize.
*BONUS LESSON* When s*x and affection wane, question why. I’m not saying we should panic when the inevitable cooling off period occurs in our relationships. That is normal for even the best relationships.
I’m saying that when all of a sudden s*x and affection become less frequent, something to fit in, something you start to avoid (or just don’t seek out) – at least do yourself the favor of asking “WHY?”
T.M.I. AHEAD (only read this if you know me really well) – When I was in the “honeymoon” phase of my relationship, things in this area were awesome. So it came as a surprise to both of us when things suddenly cooled off. I think the tendency was to explain it away as the normal cooling off period.
However, we came to find out that I was guilty of #1 and #2. I had expectations of him that were unrealistic and I wasn’t communicating them – the resentment was building.
When he and I were able to clear the air, it is amazing how our, ummm, activity rebounded. We now know that when we aren’t feeling connected either physically or emotionally, it may be time to have a heart-to-heart to see what may not be getting communicated.
And the lessons just keep coming! At this rate, I may need to write a book
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