3 Biggest Relationship Lessons

I’m not perfect. There. I said it.

This probably isn’t a huge revelation for most people. It was for me. Somewhere in my history, I somehow came to believe that perfection was a requirement to being loved. I realize that sounds a bit dramatic but to a child that is how it seems when constantly criticized and corrected.

So imagine my surprise when one of the first lessons I learned in my relationship was that I’m not perfect. Damn…I was so hoping he wouldn’t notice.

1. I’M NOT PERFECT – Let’s admit it ladies. We are not easy to date. We have a lot of requirements, a lot of sensitivities, and a long list of shoulds and shouldn’ts. I was so busy comparing the men I dated to my standards, I didn’t give much thought to where I might be falling short.

Turns out, I too am capable of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, sarcasm, insensitivity and selfishness. It’s taken me this long to find someone who could point these things out in such a gentle, loving way that I didn’t have to get defensive. I just had to apologize. See #2.

2. IT TAKES HUMILITY AND COURAGE TO SAY I’M SORRY – The humility comes from actually having to admit we are wrong. After all, when you’re perfect, humility isn’t easy. The courage comes from pushing through the fear that your partner will either not accept your apology. Or worse, actually use your apology to further punish you.

Again, the right response from your partner (a loving acceptance) will actually make you feel better once you’ve apologized. It will leave you more willing to apologize in the future. I know this because I’ve experienced it firsthand.

3. TRUST AND RESPECT TRUMP LOVE – Isn’t love the grandest thing? After all, if we think about all the songs that have been written about love, it must be the most important thing in a relationship, right? Turns out, the love that most of us feel in a new relationship is an emotion (a fleeting one at that) and a chemical reaction (also temporary).

Paul Newman, when asked how he and his actress wife Joanne Woodward had survived so long in a “Hollywood” marriage, said, “We never fell out of love at the same time.”

Though that might have been just a good sound bite, I believe there is real truth to that. There is no way two people are going to wake up “in love” every day. It’s just not realistic – even in the best of relationships.

But trust and respect for each other, those are the qualities that every enduring relationship must have consistently. But like everything else, maintaining them takes time and attention.

I’ve heard it likened to a bank account in which you make deposits and withdrawals. If you don’t make enough deposits in your TRUST account, then one withdrawal can leave you with a deficit. Enough deficits in a relationship and you go bankrupt.

Men should like this. It’s simple addition and subtraction. No, that wasn’t a slam on men like they are unable to do more complicated functions. It’s just that I know they like things simple and logical – especially when it comes to understanding women who are a bit more, um, high maintenance in relationships.

I can admit that now. Now that I’m not perfect.