Perhaps today it was on your way to work.  Or maybe it was at the getting your kids ready for school.  Or even when you went out to grab lunch.  If you’re like most people, at some point today, tomorrow or very soon, you will be annoyed by another person.

Some are very minor annoyances.  The barista at Starbucks forgets the caramel in your “caramel iced latte.”  Or your co-workers are talking too loudly while you’re on the phone with a customer. 

And sometimes, we get majorly annoyed.  A friend’s check bounced causing all kinds of havoc in your bank account.  Or someone you work with promised to keep something you told them confidential and then you hear it from Jenny, your assistant . 

Whatever the situation may be, the real reason we get annoyed with others is that they act so differently that we do.  We would never be so rude, impatient, unethical or scatter-brained. 

Or would we?

We seem to forget something called the Fundamental Attribution Error (psychology majors may remember this).  Put simply, the FAE is when we judge a person’s behavior and assume they had a negative intention or character flaw behind it.

While on the other hand, if we were to commit the same behavior, we are more likely to blame outside circumstances and claim a positive intention. 

Here’s an example.  Let’s say a team member just arrive late to a meeting.  Let’s assume this happened once or twice before.  Now you’re certain that they just don’t care about keeping other people waiting.  Or you see them as disorganized or inefficient. 

Now let’s fast forward a month and you are late to two meetings.   The first time, it was because your child got sick and your back up childcare cancelled.  You had to wait until you could find a babysitter before heading to work.  The second time, well, this time it really wasn’t your fault.  You had to bring a report to the meeting and your printer jammed just as you were printing it.  You were late because you had to wait!

The difference between the two scenarios is in the former one, your team member does not get the benefit of the doubt.  You assume that the reason they are late is because of some internal deficiency on their part, they are lackadaisical or uncaring. Basically, you’re blaming their character or intention.

However, when you have the same exact behavior (being late to a meeting), you see it as caused by outside circumstances that were outside your control. 

We commit the Fundamental Attribution Error all the time.  And it rears its ugly head when we get annoyed because people act differently than us – and we interpret their “way” as inferior.  Whenever you start to feel superior to someone, it’s time to check and see if the FAE is at work.

My boyfriend gets annoyed when he hears single friends of our “playing games” in their dating life.  He wonders why people can’t just be upfront and honest, yet forgets that he boasted proudly that he “played me just right” when we were first dating.

When I used to be cut off in traffic, I would lay on my horn because I assumed the person was at best “a bad driver” and at worst “a blankety-blank-blank.”  I went right to attacking the person’s character or negative intention and didn’t even think of the outside circumstances that could have caused their actions.

Yet, in time I would accidentally swerve into someone’s lane, only to be blasted by their horn.  I didn’t think I was a bad driver just got distracted or was swerving to miss something else in the road. 

So if we all do it (trust me, we do) how can we catch and correct ourselves?

The first step is to “stick to the facts.”  All the Fundamental Attribution Error is a story or interpretation that we make up about the facts. 

FACT: He was late to the meeting.

STORY: He doesn’t care about our project.

FACT: He was late to the last meeting too.

STORY: He thinks he’s more important than we are.

As you can see, the facts alone are not enough to get us annoyed.  What annoys us are the little stories we spin to explain the facts.

Second, we can give the other person the benefit of the doubt by coming up with a better story.  If you’re going to be making up stories, you might as well tell ones that don’t bug you so much.

So when someone does something that annoys you, the best question you can ask is, “Why would a rational, reasonable person do something like that.”  (Yes, we’re assuming they are rational and reasonable.) Then come up with as many possible scenarios as you can to explain their behavior. 

Better yet, ask them why they did what they did.  Often we will find a perfectly logical explanation to their behavior. 

Because isn’t it true – we always think our own a behavior makes sense at the time?

And we love Virginia!  We’ve been there three times in the last 4 months to lead the “Boost Your Business by Overcoming Sales Call Reluctance” workshop.  Most recently, we were in Fairfax with NSD Kirk Gillespie and Sr. Sales Director Amber Campbell.  We had such a great time at the training that we continued the good times at Kirk’s house afterward.  Here are some pics from the event.

Chris and I beginning the workshop.

Must be before the workshop.  We rarely look this good afterward!  LOL!

Chris entertaining the crowd at Kirk’s house.

Does this look like work?  Or are we just the luckiest people on the planet?

We invent stories to help us first understand and then prepare for the world. Sometimes the stories we tell are accurate and sometimes they aren’t. The problem, unfortunately, doesn’t lie completely in the accuracy of the story; it often lies in the act of storytelling itself.

As handy a tool as story telling is for making sense of the world, conjuring up tales can cause a great deal of harm. Story telling often keeps us from seeking the truth. It can damage relationships. And if done with enough frequency and bile, it can kill us.

In case you think I’m overreacting to the possible dangers of storytelling, allow me to point out that the phenomenon that has recently taken center stage of the law and drug enforcement arenas. We learned this in a recent interview with the head of a very successful rehab program in San Francisco. She told us the following.

When candidates are screened to see if they’ll be admitted to the program, she asks them to share how they got to where they are. If a fellow explains that his mother was a crack addict, she remarks that perhaps his mother should be entering the program. If the candidate counters with the fact that his dad beat him almost daily, she explains that surely his dad should be the one being interviewed.

The leader of this successful program isn’t trying to be glib or clever as she continues to nudge the candidate every time he blames someone else for his horrible life. She’s merely trying to learn how willingly the person will tell a new story—one where the person takes most of the responsibility.

“As long as people going through rehab are able to blame others for their problems,” she explains, “they have no need to change. Their stories keep them trapped in the current circumstances. You can’t change people until they change their story.”

Given the power that stories have over our lives, it can be helpful to know how we create them.

To avoid damage to our psyches we become good at telling a whole host of stories. Some are aimed at preventing disappointment while others are aimed at keeping our image intact.

For example, if we get into a heated argument and spin out of control, we let ourselves off the hook by explaining that we were innocent victims. We didn’t do anything wrong—oh no, we were on our best behavior when the other person lashed out at us.

When we are caught behaving in rude, insulting, ways we tell a different story. We take the heat off ourselves by vilifying others. Consider the limit case. Career criminals often justify their actions by suggesting that the people they steal from don’t deserve the money. They’re selfish tax-evaders who probably stole the money in the first place. We create villainous stories so we can treat others poorly without feeling guilty about our own actions. To quote a supervisor I once interviewed, “Of course I shout threats at my employees. They’re animals. They only listen to threats.”

Finally, when we’ve stood by and done nothing to rectify a wrong, when our inaction puts our integrity into question, we tell helpless stories. “What? You want me to disagree with the boss in the meeting—and get fired? Not me. Nobody can disagree and live to tell about it.” Stories that suggest that no effort will be enough help us transform gutless inaction into political savvy. We tell ourselves, “I wasn’t afraid, I just wasn’t naïve.”

And now for an interesting twist. If we tell the stories with enough creativity and conviction, the part of our brain that prepares for blunt trauma actually believes our story. Even though we’ve only imagined that something bad is about to happen, or that the other person is a villain and deserves whatever we give them, we actually pump adrenaline into our blood stream and prepare for the threat as if it were real.

Under the influence of adrenaline, good things happen if we run into, say, a saber tooth tiger. Blood is diverted from our less-important organs such as the brain to the muscles that will help us run and jump and hit and otherwise engage in fight or flight activities—against the tiger. Bad things happen to us if we run into, say, our spouse or coworker where neither fight nor flight is required. Our brain, running low on fuel, goes into backup mode and mostly shuts down the cerebral cortex—or the part we use for higher-level thinking. Now our brain draws more heavily from the lower half—also known as the “reptilian brain.”

So when it matters the most, we come up with stupid ideas. “He’s resisting my recommendation. Maybe if I raise my voice, become belligerent, and overstate my point he’ll come around to my way of thinking.”

So what’s a person to do? Rather than always preparing for the worst or imagining the worst of others—maybe we should keep an open mind. Instead of vilifying others, we simply wonder what’s going on. We’re not sure what’s going to happen, so let’s find out. This does two things: It propels us to discover the truth, and it keeps us from angrily charging in with an accusation.

So, replace your ability to conjure up stories with a genuine desire to learn the truth. If you do so, you’ll take charge of your emotions, improve your health, and bolster your relationships. It may not be as fun as thinking horrible thoughts, but it’s a lot more effective.

This article was written by the authors of the NY Times Bestsellers “Crucial Conversations” and “Influencer”.

Chris and I just returned from a whirlwind, 10-day, 3-city trip.  We did a training in Virginia, attended his brother’s wedding in Vegas, and attended a training ourself in D.C.   Since Vegas was the leg of the trip that was just pleasure, not business, I thought I’d share a few pictures from our few days.

Chris and his brother Eric striking a “JC Penney” catalog pose!

Nancy and the real Mr. T.

Chris’ immediate and new extended family!

KEEPING RITUALS
Now this is where I think most people get it right.  Many families have rituals they’ve followed for years.  There is something comforting about familiarity and consistency. 

Christmas Eve – For a long time, I spent Christmas Eve alone.  As I said, my family doesn’t celebrate and most of my friends had plans with their own families.  So with the stores closed and no one around, I started watching holiday-themed movies.  I usually whipped up some “special” hot chocolate (I said I wasn’t a big drinker, not that I didn’t drink at all ;-), popcorn and watch back-to-back movies.  If you like chick-flicks, here are my recommendations: The Holiday (Jude Law – enough said!), Love Actually (Colin Firth and Hugh Grant – oh how did Bridget Jones choose?), and Notting Hill (Hugh Grant at his finest…hmm, are we seeing a theme here with British men?) 

Trans-siberian Orchestra – If you’ve never heard of them, you’ve probably heard their music.  Their live show is inspiring and electrifying.  I’ve seen their concert the last five years (they always come to Rochester at some point during the holiday season) and I’m never disappointed.   Just think opera, classical music, rock music, and holiday songs combined!

Given your specific obligations and circumstances, these suggestions may not work for you as I’ve described them.  But the underlying principle remains the same.  It’s up to you to make sure the holidays are what you want them and need them to be.

A couple of weeks ago, I started my “BUCKET LIST”...things I want to
do before I “kick the bucket.”
(To create your own, go to:
http://www.webbusinessautomation.com/app/?af=1259077) 

The first thing I listed was to swim with the dolphins in the wild.  Lo’ and behold this past week at a conference, Chris and I meet this amazing couple who are trainers as well, and guess where they like to lead their seminars?  On a cruiseship in the Caribbean.  And they just so happen to offer swimming with the dolphins on their adventures.  So of course we signed up for their next “seminar at sea” in February. 

So in less than two weeks, I manifested the first item on my “bucket list” – swimming with dolphins in the wild.  You better believe I went back and added some more items to the list.