I once heard political comedian Bill Maher quip “We have the Bill of Rights.  What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.”

I never forgot that statement because many people from a young age want freedom and come to expect certain rights.  But they fail to recognize that the greater our freedom, the greater our responsibility.

Unfortunately this isn’t something we always grow out of.  Many people who would describe themselves as very responsible actually shirk responsibility and look for someone else to blame when things go wrong.

Anytime we are dealing with a situation we’d rather not be, we have some sort of responsibility in the matter.  That is, there are different degrees of responsibility.

THREE DEGREES OF RESPONSIBILITY

CREATE IT – This is where the staunchest of “Law of Attraction” believers live.  They believe that on a vibrational level, we attract everything into our lives – therefore, we intentionally or unintentionally create it.  Car accidents, winning the lottery, getting cancer, good or bad, negative or positive, they contend that our experiences are an exact match to our thoughts and feelings.

I don’t happen to take this extreme view.  I do believe that there are “unforeseen occurrences” that happen in life.  Then it’s up to us how we respond.  This is where most of us go from innocent to guilty…

CONTRIBUTE TO IT – When difficult things happen, our reactions very often make it worse.  Here’s a few examples:

• You’re given a less than perfect review at work?  Your subsequent negative attitude about it affects your work even more.
• Economy has slowed down your business a bit?  You prospect and market less assuming there’s no point to it right now while no one is buying anyway.
• Your partner slips and says something sarcastic?  You immediately up the ante by saying something sarcastic back.

In none of these situations did you necessarily create the initial event.  But in all of them, you did contribute to it by escalating the problem.

This may be the hardest to acknowledge – our part in a situation that is causing us stress.  And sometimes it takes an outside party to point it out to us.

Let me share a personal story with you.  In the first quarter of this year, my business slowed down.  As I heard everyone complaining about the same thing and blaming the economy, it seemed like a good explanation.

Then I had a close friend point out to me that the previous two quarters in my business had been so busy, I hadn’t been doing much networking and maybe that was part of why business had slowed down.  You know what?  He was right.

I started networking more, which led to a few speaking engagements, which led to more leads and ultimately more business.

See how easily we can contribute to an unfavorable situation and not even be aware of it?

The last degree of responsibility is ALLOW IT. Sometimes we did nothing to create a situation, nothing to contribute to it, but by our non-action we condone or allow it.

I’m amazed at the number of times people have complained to me about something troubling in their lives and I’ll say “Well, did you mention it to him/her?”

• “No way! He/she will bit my head off.”
• “That won’t change anything.”
• “I don’t really care that much.”

These are all excuses designed to keep you stuck right where you are.  So if you’re tired of the situation and feeling like a victim, then you have to do something different.  After all, that’s the definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over yet expecting a different result.

Last week, I had the rare privilege of meeting a World-renowned speaker, writer and coach.  Marshall Goldsmith (http://www.marshallgoldsmith.com) was at the Rochester Institute of Technology to present at a Women’s Conference and I attended his keynote address.

Of all the great nuggets he shared for women to help us balance our lives, one stood out to me above all others.  He called it the “Mojo Survey”.  Basically this survey will help you examine how you spend your time at work and outside of work.

Consider your time in two dimensions – short-term satisfaction (“Does this activity make me happy?”) and long-term benefit (“Does this activity have a long-term positive impact on my life?”)

The best way to describe it is with a model. (I’ve recreated the model below with Marshall’s permission so you can get the full understanding of this concept.)

The model illustrates the five different combinations of short-term satisfaction and long-term benefit that can characterize our relationship to ANY activity.

You might be wondering about the specific activities that fill your day and which category they fall into.  I will share with you some ideas but suggest you also come up with a list of your own.

Surviving: chores, cleaning, paying bills, pointless meetings, waiting in lines, commuting, administrative details.

Stimulating: watching random TV, surfing the net, Facebook, soap operas, Farmville, watching sports, video games, reading “junk” fiction, gossiping or bashing others, daydreaming with no corresponding action.

Sacrificing: watching TV (that I don’t like for someone else), spending time with people I don’t like, eating healthy foods that I don’t enjoy, getting organized, cleaning the office, being politically correct, working late and on your days off, doing work that you can’t stand.

Sustaining: running the kids around, checking emails, reading that is required, traveling for business, routine communication, managing projects and others.

Succeeding: spending time with people you love, quality time with kids, reading meaningful books, engaging in self-development activities, satisfying work, teaching and helping others, completing important or revenue-generating projects.

(Please note: The same exact activity can be placed in different categories by different people.  A lot of the rating is based on our unique attitude toward the activity.)

Now here is where the rubber meets the road.  Write down what percentage of your time at work is spent in each category.  Then write down what percentage of your time outside of work is spent in each category.

If you are like MOST women (there are exceptions), you will most likely find the majority of your activities are spent in the surviving, sacrificing, and sustaining categories.

Very few working women nowadays spend much time in the Stimulating category on things like video games but consider how much time is spent on Facebook.  Yes, it may be a way to stay in touch with friends, but I wonder in forty years how many people on their deathbed are going to say “Gee, I wished I spent more time on Facebook.”

All of this means that we spend the LEAST amount of time in the Succeeding category.  Activities that we find personally fulfilling and meaningful come DEAD LAST.  No wonder we often feel overwhelmed, overworked and like we’re missing out because WE ARE!!

The bottom line is that to increase your happiness and satisfaction in life, you need to decrease the amount of time you spend on activities in the Surviving, Sacrificing and Stimulating categories to allow for more time to be spent in the Succeeding categories.

What is one non-fulfilling activity you could eliminate this week?

What is one fulfilling activity you could add this week?

—

In the coaching work I do, I often encounter people who are dealing with very challenging circumstances. Whether it be someone in a loveless marriage or an employee coping with an abusive boss, I’m looked to for answers.

I find myself giving similar advice no matter the situation. “Don’t be a victim.” “You are ultimately in control.” Over and over again, I coach people to empower themselves to do something different than just putting up with the intolerable situation they find themselves in.

Although tolerating or putting up with a less than desirable environment is one way to respond, it isn’t usually a response that will result in peace or happiness. Matter of fact, it’s usually the source of much misery.

So what are some other responses when you find yourself in an intolerable situation and you are ready to do something different? There are three main responses and each one is within your power.

ACCEPT IT – As I just described some situations as intolerable, doesn’t it seem like a contradiction that I would now turn around and suggest that accepting them is an acceptable response?

It’s true that if we see something as intolerable, our chances of accepting it are slim. So what is required in acceptance is a dramatic shift in how we see the situation.

Since we sometimes have little control over the source of the problem (ex: another person’s behavior), all we can control is our perspective of the situation. In other words, we need to change our “story” about what is happening.

Let’s say you have a very controlling manager. She micro-manages you, calls you constantly, and checks up on everything you do. You think she doesn’t trust you to do your job and questions your competence. Every time she calls or emails you, you grit your teeth as you answer her endless questions.

This behavior of hers you have no control over. Unfortunately, this is her management style. However, her not trusting you and questioning your competence is “your story”. Unless she has specifically said this to you, it’s just your interpretation of her behavior.

So while you can’t change her behavior, you can tell yourself a different story. Perhaps in the past, she didn’t check up on her direct reports and got in trouble for it. Maybe she has always been managed like this and doesn’t know a different way. Or perhaps she has insecurity or fear around her job and this constant checking in reassures her that things are getting done.

By interpreting her behavior differently, it will help you control your frustration and you will be able to be more accepting of her behavior. If you find your attempts at changing your story are not working, it’s time to try something else…

CHANGE IT – When faced with trying circumstances, we are often quick to throw up our hands and claim there is nothing we can do. This is victim mentality at its strongest. We will come up with excuse after excuse as to why we can do nothing different.

• I can’t disagree with my boss – he’ll fire me.
• I can’t leave my job – I won’t be able to support my family.
• I can’t say no to my wife – she’ll leave me.
• I can’t tell my mother to mind her own business – she’ll disown me.

I’ve heard all of these from coaching clients. And in every situation, the worst case scenario that kept them from speaking up never happened when they finally spoke up. It’s just a convenient excuse to keep you stuck exactly where you are.

If you can’t accept it, can’t muster up the courage to change it or did everything in your power to change it to no avail, you are left with one other option…

LEAVE IT – When all else has failed, you may have to leave the situation. Sometimes this is a very difficult decision to come to especially when we are talking about a marriage or job. But sometimes there is no other option.

But one thing that makes leaving easier is when you are sure that you did everything within your power to try and accept or change the situation. This way, you can leave with a clear conscience and less of a chance of recreating the same scenario down the road.

Because one thing I have seen over and over in my life is that when we don’t handle the difficulties in our lives, when we don’t learn the lessons we need to learn, they keep coming back around.

So remember for your own happiness – accept it, change it or leave it!

—

This past week brought the end of an era.  (“Era” being described as a significant period of time marked by a distinctive character or event.)

The “Oprah Show” ended after 25 years on the air.  Even though I was an occasional watcher, I learned so much from the show, and even more from Oprah herself.  To commemorate the significant even that it was, I’ve decided to create a list of “What I Know For Sure” because of Oprah.

1)    Your past does not dictate your future. Most people are aware that Oprah had many challenges to overcome as a child (sexual abuse being one of them).  But it wasn’t until I recently read “The Help” that I fully got what she was up against being raised in southern Mississippi in the 1960’s.  Even thought the Civil Rights movement was gaining momentum in various parts of the country, in Mississippi most African-American girls at the time had no careers available to them except that of maid and housekeeper.   To think that Oprah had the courage – the audacity – to consider a career in journalism flew in the face of everything she had been taught about her race and her gender.  She defied generations of programming and made the decision to overcome her past.  It’s what you do now, today and what choices you make that will determine what and who you become.

2)    All it takes is one person to completely change the life of a child. On the final show, Oprah had her fourth grade teacher present to thank her.  She thanked her for giving her validation and making her feel important.  The teacher did this simply by including Oprah in things and giving her responsibility.  Can you imagine being that person who helped encourage and validate the “Richest Woman in the World”?  The funny thing is we all have that opportunity.

3)    Marriage and children is not the only path to happiness and fulfillment. For many women, motherhood is the culmination of a dream they have had since childhood.  For me, I had the dream for many years.  But somewhere in my early 30’s, my dream started to change.  Not because Prince Charming was taking his own sweet time coming (which he was) but because I started to love my role as “favorite aunt” and saw the difference I could make for other people’s children.  Oprah expressed exactly what I had been feeling when at the dedication of her school for girls in Africa she said, “’I love these girls with every part of my being. I didn’t know you could feel this way about other people’s children.”  I would never claim that having nieces and nephews is the same as having your own children.  But it surely is the next best thing!

4)    Weight issues are rarely simple and more often related to deep-seated issues. When I used to watch Oprah’s struggle with weight, I had a very cynical attitude.  As a multi-billionaire, she had personal trainers, personal chefs, nutritionists, you name it.   I figured she could afford to hire someone to be by her side, 24 x 7 and slap food out of her hand if she wanted to.  And yet, as she continued to struggle with her weight, I realized, and she acknowledged, there is more at play here than just having the right information and resources to lose weight.  There are typically underlying issues of worthiness and self-esteem.   I struggle myself with the belief that I can have it all.  It seems in my life I’ve always juggled three main balls: relationship, finances/work life, and weight/health.  It has seemed – even thought my rational mind rejects this belief – that I am only able to keep two of the balls in the air at the same time.  And right now, my relationship and business are thriving so……..well, you get the picture.  How reassuring it has been to see that I am not alone.  Rather, “The Richest Woman in the World” struggles with something I am so familiar with.  It made me realize not only is she human but SO AM I.

Look for more next week…

A month ago when Chris and I were in Vegas, we met this couple at our training event.  They had just signed up to do work with the same coaches we work with so we were looking forward to getting to know another “entrepreneurial” couple.

We went out to dinner and fairly quickly formed a “couple crush” with these two.  They were smart, dynamic, clearly in love and we were excited about our mutual trip to Belize at the end of this year (part of our coaching package – believe it or not!).

Over the past week or so, I had been thinking about them and how I really needed touch base to catch up.  Ironically, the woman called me yesterday.

I was so happy to hear from her.  At first we chatted about business and the possibility of doing some work together.  But then the conversation turned more serious.  No, more real.

She started to share with me her concerns about her business, her coaching arrangement, and even her relationship.  As she revealed her deepest fears to me, which by the way – I identified with EVERY SINGLE ONE – I felt closer and closer to her.

When she had laid it all out on the table, she felt very vulnerable and said, “I’m usually the cool chick, the one that has it all together.”  I could tell she felt a little strange for exposing herself so completely.

It was then that I told her, “You know, I was impressed by you when we met in Vegas.  But now?  Now, I really like you!”

And this is the hidden key to success that most of us shy away from.  We are so busy trying to look like we have it all together that we never show people our underbelly.  And yet, it’s this kind of vulnerability that can be so attractive in another human being.

Think of it this way, when you go see someone speak and they are introduced, you hear their long list of degrees and then they get up and start listing all of their own accomplishments, what do you think of them?

They’ve definitely established their credibility but do you feel connected to them?  Do you resonate with them and want to hear more of their story?  Typically not.

But when someone gets up to speak, establishes their credibility and THEN shares with you where they’ve come from, their challenges, fears, setbacks – now how do you feel?  Usually when we can identify with someone like that we are much more open to what they have to say.

And this makes perfect sense.  When we start a relationship with someone – any kind of relationship – it can only grow to the level that both people are willing to be vulnerable and open.

Let’s say you meet someone and there is an instant connection.  After sharing some of the surface level information, you start to reveal a little more of your personal story.  What happens if they don’t share back?  SCREECH!!  The budding friendship comes to a halt.  Only by both parties sharing a little more, back and forth, does the friendship continue to grow.

(And yes, you can overshare – too much, too soon – which is also awkward!)

Yet many of us are so afraid to share our personal history – especially in business.  Here’s why this is a mistake.

Because people want to do business with people they know, like and trust.

And real trust can only be established when people are willing to share their vulnerabilities.

When I write this article every week, I can predict with alarming accuracy how many responses I will get from readers based solely on how much personal information I share.

An article about excellent customer service?  I might get a few responses.

The article about my mom with pictures from 10 years ago?  You blew up my Inbox!!

So too, the MORE you share your story – especially the challenges you have had to overcome – the more people will resonate and respond to you.

Where can you share your story?  Would love to hear your comments below!

As we coach more and more women in our business, I am seeing more and more “perfectionism” holding them hostage.  The need to do things perfectly – and the subsequent desire to beat yourself up mentally when you don’t – is a business and life-limiting move. 

Perfectionism is an ILLUSION.  
And it can be downright debilitating. 

I should know.  I am a “recovered” High Compliant (in the DISC model).  It was literally and figuratively beaten into us (all 5 of my siblings) by my father – perfectionism and the need to do things right.  It’s taken me a lifetime to untie the knots and look at my foibles with compassion rather than condemnation. 

Because of this, I’m teaching my 2 year old nephew Kai to laugh at mistakes.  When he or I do something “imperfect”, we say “uh-oh spaghetti-o’s” which always makes him laugh. 

It’s Friday today.  Casual day for most of the working world.  Why not give yourself a break today and purposely allow or try to make a mistake (OH NO!) and then laugh about it like Kai?

Since this weekend is Mother’s Day, I wanted to pay tribute to my mother and all the mothers who do a great job at what I consider the “hardest job in the World.”  While my mother, Grace, and I are not very close (given a large generational gap and an even larger gap in our World views), I still would never choose another mother. My mom has been the example of steadfast perseverance and well, grace!  (As an aside, Nancy means “full of Grace.”)

In my moments of, let’s just say grace-less-ness, I’ve often wondered how my mother always kept it together.  As a mother of six children, with a very traditional husband, and not a lot of money or support to make life easier, I’m amazed at how well she did.  I honestly question how I would fare in the same circumstances.

In choosing a picture of my mom and I to post with this article, I saw something I hadn’t noticed before.  I saw a picture from 11 years ago at my parent’s 50th Anniversary and a picture from one year ago at their 60th Anniversary.  The difference is dramatic. 

In the earlier picture, this is how I remember our relationship most of my life.  Cordial, respectful, but always with an unspoken distance.  I used to call it the “Great Divide” when I was younger.

In the later picture, I see what I hope is a bridging of that great divide.  I don’t remember many times in my life that my mom was this affectionate, this close, this…vulnerable.  Maybe it’s a sign of the wisdom that – sometimes – comes with age.  Maybe, just maybe, we are beginning to realize that despite our differences, there is nothing that can replace a mother’s and daughter’s love.

My mom and I at my parents 50th Wedding Anniversary.

10 years later, my mom and I at my parents 60th Wedding Anniversary.

Last year, I had the privilege of interviewing Seniors at an inner-city high school. This was considered an “exit interview” process and the intention was to find out a little about their high school experience, their future plans, as well as give them the experience of being interviewed.

Some of my questions received wildly different answers. For example, what are your plans after high school was answered with everything from working part-time at Target to attending nursing school to becoming a Child Psychologist.

Another question, who has your dream job was answered with everything from a kindergarten teacher to someone in the Peace Corps.

But there was question that when asked, every student answered the same (as an aside, it just happened that all my students were female). That question was, “Who has been the most influential person in your life?”

The answer was simply, “my mom.”

When I probed for the reasons why, I started to see the impact that mothers really have on their children. Not that I didn’t already know it. I just became impressed that these students, at age 17-18, already knew it!

    * “She works really hard and never complains.”
    * “My mom works two jobs and never shows us how tired she is.”
    * “She told me I could be anything I wanted to be.”
    * “My mom is a single-mother and does everything by herself.”
    * “When I wanted to quit school, she wouldn’t let me.”

On and on the comments went. One thing was clear, the fact that these inner-city girls were graduating high school (which by the way was how most of them answered the question “what are you most proud of?”) they attributed to the influence of one person more than any other…their mothers.

And yet, I hear mothers complain all the time about what a bad job they think they are doing. One of the most poignant moments in the “Sex and the City 2” movie is when Charlotte and Miranda, the two characters with children, finally confess how hard it is to be a mother these days.

Charlotte, the most traditional character who typically never allows herself to complain, confides that she feels like she is failing most of the time.

By what I could gather from these students, their mothers certainly weren’t perfect. Many had gotten pregnant as teenagers and one had four children by four different men. But the fact that they worked hard, didn’t complain or place blame and encouraged their daughters to be more and do more than they did were the three factors that came up over and over again.

My guess is that mothers are too hard on themselves. If they are working, they beat themselves up over not being with their kids. If they are with their kids, they worry that they should be doing more at work.

The result is that they are never truly “present” where they are so doing their best (or enjoying it even) is impossible. No wonder the feeling of failing is so prevalent.

It’s been said that the only time we suffer is when we aren’t present. We’re either torturing ourselves over something that went wrong in the past or worrying ourselves silly over what’s to come. As a gift to yourself this Mother’s Day, why not take some time for yourself and practice being present.

What’s your best advice on being present?  What do you do for yourself to “unplug”?  To share your own tips or experience, please comment below.