I’m no relationship expert. Not by a long shot. But I’ve had my fair share, observed and studied many, and make my living as a behavioral analyst. So expert or no, I have some lessons to share.

There are things I have been guilty of doing and when I look around, I see other women (and some men) make these same mistakes. So without further ado…here are three more lessons I’ve learned about relationships.

1) Don’t expect your partner to be you. One of the biggest mistakes we make in life, let alone in relationships, is expecting others to act, react and respond to things the way we do. In particular, I’ve observed that many women expect men to notice the things they do – which is usually every little thing!

I can tell you from personal experience that men don’t notice half of what women notice. (Generalization? You betcha!) Just ask a man to go fetch a bottle of anything from the fridge. Or to find something in a closet. I recently had a ton of stuff for my house “hidden” in my trunk to surprise my beau. He went to put something in there one day and I panicked “Oh no, he’s going to see the stuff I bought.” Nope, didn’t even see it.

I share this not to pick on men but to raise awareness that if you think your partner or husband is just leaving the dirty glasses around the house to annoy you, he isn’t. He just doesn’t see them. Or if he does see them, he doesn’t react the same way to them. They don’t bother him. He isn’t you!

2) Don’t let resentment build! In the past, whenever something bothered me, this was my M.O.

• Start by making hints and suggestions (which may included subtle shifts in body language, “the stare”, or casual, indirect comments)
• Then proceed to the silent treatment (if I’m not talking – of course he’ll understand what he did wrong)
• On to sarcasm (which is the first indication he might realize something is wrong although he probably won’t know what it is)
• And finally, explode with some accusatory comment

The problem I’ve realized is that men usually don’t pick up on the first two. So while we get more and more frustrated, they tend to be oblivious to our ever-growing-resentment.

It’s taken me a long time to be able to say, “Honey, when you do X, it makes me feel Y. I would love it if you could do Z instead.” The lesson for me is when I do this with no blame or anger, the results are usually what I wanted – a change in behavior. The difference is I made a request from a neutral place. I didn’t blame, complain, whine or cry.

3) Be ridiculously loyal to one another in public. I see so many couples tease, be sarcastic and outright attack each other in front of other people. It’s embarrassing and uncomfortable for everyone else and I’m convinced it’s cancer for a relationship.

In our relationship, we noticed our tendency to be sarcastic with each other early on. I issued a challenge. “Let’s not be that couple. Let’s be absolutely loving, loyal and positive with each other when with our friends and family.”

Why did we set this boundary for public interaction? Because it’s more likely to happen in public (the need to be cool or have something to say) and go unchecked (we may not want to defend ourselves because we’ll look overly sensitive).

Have we been perfect? Nope. Just one example: I recently slipped in front of my girlfriends and said something sarcastic to him. He let it go in the moment. But because of our commitment, he was able to call me out on the behavior later on. At that point, all I could do was apologize.

*BONUS LESSON* When s*x and affection wane, question why. I’m not saying we should panic when the inevitable cooling off period occurs in our relationships. That is normal for even the best relationships.

I’m saying that when all of a sudden s*x and affection become less frequent, something to fit in, something you start to avoid (or just don’t seek out) – at least do yourself the favor of asking “WHY?”

T.M.I. AHEAD (only read this if you know me really well) – When I was in the “honeymoon” phase of my relationship, things in this area were awesome. So it came as a surprise to both of us when things suddenly cooled off.  I think the tendency was to explain it away as the normal cooling off period. 

However, we came to find out that I was guilty of #1 and #2.  I had expectations of him that were unrealistic and I wasn’t communicating them – the resentment was building. 

When he and I were able to clear the air, it is amazing how our, ummm, activity rebounded.  We now know that when we aren’t feeling connected either physically or emotionally, it may be time to have a heart-to-heart to see what may not be getting communicated. 

And the lessons just keep coming!  At this rate, I may need to write a book

Q: Nancy, I’m dealing with a situation that I’m sure is pretty common but I don’t know where to go for help. I own my own home-based business and although my husband says he supports me, lately he has been make sarcastic comments about me not working enough or not bringing in any money. I do work and I do make money but probably neither at the level he wants. How do I make him realize this discourages me further and makes me want to work even less? ~ Janet

A: Hi Janet, well you picked a perfect time to write since this week’s article is about relationships. And as we know, money is the number one thing couples fight about. (Stay tuned next week. We’re bringing you an audio program about this exact topic!) So you’re right. Yours is a common challenge from what we hear from our coaching clients.

To answer your question, I’m going to make a couple of assumptions – if that’s okay.

First, your husband was probably on board in the beginning and had expectations about your work and income based on what you told him was possible.

Second, you have become discouraged (maybe by a difference in what you thought you would make and what you are really making) and are not working your business to the level YOU know you should be. (Carefully re-read your last sentence in your question to me)

Third, this is really about your own disappointment and frustration and your husband is simply the mirror for that – reflecting it back to you.

So as much as you may have liked me to tell you to “throw the bum out”, I’m not going to deal with the effect of the problem – let’s deal with the cause – your own discouragement.

From coaching business owners for almost 10 years, I can tell you one of the number one reasons why businesses fail. (95% within the first 5 years) It’s not under-capitalization like some claim.

It’s that the owners are not willing or able to push through the FEAR that keeps them from promoting and selling their services. Are you calling your prospects and customers at the level you should be? I’d bet the farm that you’re not.

Instead of getting hung up on your husband being non-supportive, turn your attention to your own prospecting and sales activity. One thing that may help is our Fearless Prospecting System – Moving From Fear to Freedom In Just 30 Days.

Once you are taking the level of action you need to in your business, I bet your own self-judgments will go away, as will your husband’s.

I’m not perfect. There. I said it.

This probably isn’t a huge revelation for most people. It was for me. Somewhere in my history, I somehow came to believe that perfection was a requirement to being loved. I realize that sounds a bit dramatic but to a child that is how it seems when constantly criticized and corrected.

So imagine my surprise when one of the first lessons I learned in my relationship was that I’m not perfect. Damn…I was so hoping he wouldn’t notice.

1. I’M NOT PERFECT – Let’s admit it ladies. We are not easy to date. We have a lot of requirements, a lot of sensitivities, and a long list of shoulds and shouldn’ts. I was so busy comparing the men I dated to my standards, I didn’t give much thought to where I might be falling short.

Turns out, I too am capable of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, sarcasm, insensitivity and selfishness. It’s taken me this long to find someone who could point these things out in such a gentle, loving way that I didn’t have to get defensive. I just had to apologize. See #2.

2. IT TAKES HUMILITY AND COURAGE TO SAY I’M SORRY – The humility comes from actually having to admit we are wrong. After all, when you’re perfect, humility isn’t easy. The courage comes from pushing through the fear that your partner will either not accept your apology. Or worse, actually use your apology to further punish you.

Again, the right response from your partner (a loving acceptance) will actually make you feel better once you’ve apologized. It will leave you more willing to apologize in the future. I know this because I’ve experienced it firsthand.

3. TRUST AND RESPECT TRUMP LOVE – Isn’t love the grandest thing? After all, if we think about all the songs that have been written about love, it must be the most important thing in a relationship, right? Turns out, the love that most of us feel in a new relationship is an emotion (a fleeting one at that) and a chemical reaction (also temporary).

Paul Newman, when asked how he and his actress wife Joanne Woodward had survived so long in a “Hollywood” marriage, said, “We never fell out of love at the same time.”

Though that might have been just a good sound bite, I believe there is real truth to that. There is no way two people are going to wake up “in love” every day. It’s just not realistic – even in the best of relationships.

But trust and respect for each other, those are the qualities that every enduring relationship must have consistently. But like everything else, maintaining them takes time and attention.

I’ve heard it likened to a bank account in which you make deposits and withdrawals. If you don’t make enough deposits in your TRUST account, then one withdrawal can leave you with a deficit. Enough deficits in a relationship and you go bankrupt.

Men should like this. It’s simple addition and subtraction. No, that wasn’t a slam on men like they are unable to do more complicated functions. It’s just that I know they like things simple and logical – especially when it comes to understanding women who are a bit more, um, high maintenance in relationships.

I can admit that now. Now that I’m not perfect.

Q: I loved last week’s Q and A from the High S woman asking “Now that I know my style, what do I do with it?” It made me say, “Do me, do me, do me!!!” I’m a “D”. I’m thinking that because I’m results oriented and so if I don’t get the results I expect, I lose interest. I probably need to push through that? ~ KimberLee

A: Hi KimberLee, As you probably remember from my answer, the three steps to change are Awareness, Understanding and Reprogramming. It sounds like you are aware of your style and you may have an understanding of how this is holding you back in your business. But before we jump into the reprogramming part (isn’t that just like a D though?) let’s spend a little more time understanding exactly what you’re talking about.

When you say you don’t get the results you expect, is it because:

1. Your expectations are too high?
2. People don’t do what you expect?
3. You don’t do what you expect?

If  it’s 1 or 3, at least you have control over those. If it’s #2, that is something you don’t have control over. Let’s take a common scenario in your business. Let’s say you have a goal this month to do 20 recruiting interviews. Let’s see how these three questions play out.

1. 20 interviews is an ambitious goal. If you typically do 1 or 2 per month, is 20 realistic? Have you ever done anything close to this? Do you know anyone who has? What were their strategies and are you able to implement them?
2. Mary Jane cancels an interview with you at the last minute. That you have no control over. But you do have control over how you respond. Do you reschedule her right away? Spend the time making other calls?
3. When you have a goal or a project you want to get done, at what point do you stop? When it becomes hard? When something that looks easier comes along? Only you know the answer.

I would suggest you spend some time answering these questions and you may find some insight as to why you’re not getting the results you want – which of course, would have you lose interest!

We have something coming up you might be interested in. We’re doing a 4-part telecourse “How D-I-S-C Can Make You R-I-C-H”. In this telecourse, we’re going to delve into different strategies specifically for your DISC style. We’re offering it at a super low price of only $49. That price is only good until Monday though. So if you’re interested, You can find all the details by clicking this link.

I once read a quote that said, “The believer in creation has to explain the existence of one thing – suffering. The believer in evolution has to explain the existence of everything else.”

I resonated with this quote because I had been taught to believe in creation and thankfully, I was raised in a religion that had a very logical explanation for the existence of suffering (or so I thought at the time).

As I started to expand my world and separate from my former religious views, I was left with one challenge. How to explain why people suffer? This left me frustrated because without my former belief, how was I supposed to reconcile the suffering we see in the world with my belief in a loving Creator?

I’ve learned that if you sit with a question long enough, an answer will come. And so as I’ve pondered, studied and observed for years people and how they handle suffering, I’ve come to a theory I’d like to share.

I believe that we are supposed to do something with our suffering. It’s existence (and therefore our Creator’s allowance of it) means it has a purpose. Now I admit when we see some of the atrocities that take place in the world, it is difficult to grasp this. Which is why I think so many people don’t.

But if you’re open to it, here is what I think we do with our suffering depending on where we are on the path to “Enlightenment.”

1. Become a perpetrator. Most people who perpetrate violence and inflict pain on others were violated themselves in some way. It is a fact that most sexual predators were victims of sexual abuse themselves. This is NOT a justification for the behavior. It is the darkest thing you can do with your own suffering.
2. Become a victim. Let me be clear. If you suffered any kind of abuse at the hands of someone, you were a victim. Whether you continue to be a victim of that abuse is up to you. Victimization takes two forms – passive and active. Passive victims bury their suffering in denial and repression. Active victims suffer emotionally by continuing to replay the abuse for anyone who will listen (including therapists!).
3. Excuse it. This is where religion is helpful. Satan, the Devil, or whatever the existence of evil is in your interpretation that makes us suffer until salvation comes. While this isn’t the most empowering reason for suffering, it at least gives the believer a reason to explain it and a hope that it will eventually end when the source of the wickedness is destroyed or removed.
4. Learn from it. This is where enlightenment begins when you can recognize the good in what happened. Many times when we come through a difficult experience, we find ourselves stronger than we believed, in gratitude of what we have, and determined to focus on the good that comes into our lives. As great as this stage is, it isn’t the highest form of enlightenment.
5. Teach from it. The highest form of enlightenment is when you can take your suffering, detach from the personal wounds and use your experience as a catalyst to help others who are suffering the same thing. I can think of a long list of people who have done this. Survivors of genocide, child abuse, cancer, natural disasters, or violent attacks who have all gone on to use their experience to help others. Some even come out of the experience thankful for it.

Believe me, I know this is hard concept to grasp. Especially because with this theory we can’t see the end in sight. If there isn’t a Nirvana (or Paradise or Heaven) where suffering won’t exist anymore, what’s the solution?

I believe that the more we become enlightened (healing from our wounds and teaching others) and the more we help others become enlightened, the less suffering will be perpetuated. Yes, the focus is now on our own personal growth and responsibility.

Many people we coach wonder about their purpose and why they are here. I believe this theory points us to our purpose. Or as I once heard a very wise woman once say, “Make your mess your message.”

In the last issue, I shared some guidelines for assisting you in discovering your mission. These included:

      A) Your mission is not your job or business.
      B) If it has no passion, it’s not your mission.
      C) Your mission will help heal your wounds.

During a trip to Colorado several years ago, I got a phone call we all dread, hearing that shaky voice on the other end say “something terrible has happened.” At first, I thought it was my parents considering that they are both in their eighties.

Instead I found out that a family I grew up next to had a son that had committed suicide. I knew him from birth and babysat him until he was about 6 or 7 when I moved away. He was 20 when he took his own life.

As all the emotions washed over me, I had this thought pop into my head “He didn’t know his purpose.” I knew this young man had struggled in school, with authority, and with finding a place where he belonged. He had amazing gifts that he didn’t know how to use and anger he didn’t know how to resolve.

That’s why knowing your purpose can be so powerful. It can make sense of your challenges and suffering. Once you realize you’ve endured what you’ve endured in order to help others, it can give you a different perspective…one of appreciation rather than sorrow or regret.

I know that’s been true for me. I promised last time that I would share with you how discovering my purpose has helped me overcome a lot in my upbringing.

As you may know, I was raised in a very strict, religious, male-dominated family. I didn’t have a lot of control or freedom over my choices. Many things were decided for me. Who I could associate with, whether I could go to college (I couldn’t) and what career options were available.

Most decisions were based on the belief that the world as we know it is coming to an end. Armageddon is “around the corner” so pursuing college, a career, financial success, even having children was discouraged.

After high school, I was cleaning offices and homes for a living. I was to be content with “sustenance and covering” and wishing for more was considered vanity. And yet I can remember cleaning conference rooms in office buildings and daydreaming of myself teaching or training a group of people in those rooms.

After quite a few years and quite a few jobs later, I had the opportunity to take a position as an Office Manager for a small consulting company. One of their senior consultants, and my first mentor, saw potential in me that I barely saw in myself. She kept encouraging me to think about my purpose.

At first I thought my purpose was to have fun. That’s it. That’s what I want my life to be about. Then she asked me what the greatest compliment was I had ever received.

I told her that when my niece’s friends would meet me and say “Oh you’re the fun aunt” or “They always talk about how cool you are” that made me feel awesome. So that was it – being fun and cool, right?

Then she asked me to visualize my own funeral (here we go again). All my nieces are gathered around. When it comes time for them to share what I meant to them, they say “She was the best aunt. She was so cool. We always had so much fun with her.”

“That’s it? That’s all you want them to say about you?”

“Heck no!” I gasped. “I want them to say that I helped them, that I was there for them, that I inspired them to be more and do more than they thought they could. That I helped them overcome challenges so they could have amazing lives.”

“I think you just found your purpose” she said.

I eventually wrote my mission statement as “To inspire others to lead an uncompromised life”.

As you can see, it fits the criteria of “your purpose healing your wounds.” By helping other people shake off the limitations (self-imposed or otherwise) and challenges that have held them back, I continue to help myself do the same.

Here is more criteria for your purpose or mission:

• Your mission will encompass both your business and your personal life.
• You may already be living your mission at some level.
• Your mission is based in action and based on serving others.
• Your mission will force you to grow outside your comfort zone.

Why not set aside some quiet time, away from the hustle and bustle of your daily routine, to think about your purpose, what you think it is and how you could best express it right now. Remember, you mission doesn’t have to be fulfilled in any specific job, role, business, or location.

But it does have to be fulfilled. Your happiness depends on it!

This article is dedicated to “EK” Rivard, a beautiful boy and young man who definitely left this earth before his time.

Q: I recently attended your “Overcome Call Reluctance Workshop” in Wisconsin. I found the DISC presentation very informative and eye-opening. My question is, now what do I do with the information? I’m an S-C trying to build a business so I’m sure it makes sense that I’m asking this question! ~ Michelle

A: Hi Michelle! Yes, it does make sense that you’re asking the question, “now what?” And it’s a great question. While some people think DISC is the answer, it’s really just a tool for awareness. And as you learned at the workshop, Awareness is only the first step to change. The second step is Understanding and the third is Reprogramming.

Once you’ve identified you’re style, and it’s limitations, the next thing is to understand how this is holding you back in your business.

As an S-C, my guess is your natural introversion and risk-aversion probably has you hold back from selling and recruiting new prospects.

The third step is reprogramming – the most difficult part. The very next time you notice yourself holding back, you must make the decision to push through your fear. It’s ironic but fear never goes away until you do the thing you’re afraid of. You might need to get some coaching and accountability to do this, but this is how you change what’s not working!

We have something coming up you might be interested in. We’re doing a teleclass on DISC – Going Beyond the Basics. We’re going to help you understand how your DISC style impacts 4 major areas in your business – Your Finances, Time Management, Building Your Team and Making Sales. Stay tuned for that announcement!

Q: I was wondering if maybe you may have some tips for approaching people because I’m not quite sure what would be a way to get names and numbers. I have tried a few different things and they work okay but not great.

Thank you so much for everything!! ~ Lauren

A: Hi Lauren! One thing I did when I was generating leads for some of our clients in Mary Kay was I would sit at Starbucks with my laptop and when an impressive woman or someone with a distinct feature would come in, I would get in line behind them and strike up a conversation while we were waiting for our drinks. (sometimes I would just order water!)

I would say “you have the nicest skin” or “you have beautiful eyes, have you ever been asked to be a face model for Mary Kay?” I only complimented them on something I really admired – so it was genuine. And most women were very appreciative of the compliment. And most gave me their number!

I also wear a pin of Mary Kay on a black cardigan sweater and most weeks, one or two women will ask “Is that your grandmother?” I always say “I wish…cause if she was, I’d be a millionaire!” Then that starts a conversation about Mary Kay.

What we tend to find is that if you detach yourself from the result (I have to give them my card or I have to get them to say yes!) most people are natural at striking up casual conversations. So release the pressure and go out and be yourself!

As the popular 1996 film Jerry Maguire opens, the title character is wrestling with a number of issues that make him question who he has become. These issues offend his set of values.

In the opening scenes, sports agent Maguire goes so far as to say he hates himself – and then corrects himself to say he hates his place in the world.

So, he writes what he calls a mission statement, “a suggestion for the future of our company.” Among the values he talks about in the mission statement are the “simple pleasures,” “protecting clients in health and injury,” “caring,” and being “the me I always wanted to be.”

Above all, the mission statement inspires him to say: “I’d started my life.” As the film progresses, and the mission statement turns out not to be well received by his company, we realize that what Maguire has written is a personal mission statement for himself rather than for his company – a suggestion for the future of his own life.

Jerry Maguire said that people in his business, including himself, had forgotten about what was important. Discovering your purpose or mission offers the opportunity to establish what’s truly important to you and guide you when making personal and professional decisions. 

Yet when I ask most people what they think their mission is (I also use the words purpose or legacy), they often tell me they don’t know.  And many share that they have struggled with how to go about finding out.

Here are a few exercises that I’ve given them that might help you discover your mission.

1)  Imagine your own funeral (a bit morbid, I know!).  Imagine that you had lived to be 100 years old in great health and at your funeral, all your loved ones are there.  (Friends, children, significant other, etc.)  Three people closest to you are going to give your eulogy.  Write what they would say – in detail. 

2)  If you found out that you only had a few months to live, what would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your lifetime?  Write a list.

3)  If you could start fresh, with no past and a totally clean slate and live your life over, this time you would…

There are some pretty significant questions to ask when thinking about your life and what you want it to mean. 

Often times, people start to think in terms of their roles or relationships in determining their purpose.  Being a good parent or spouse will often come to mind. 

Of course those relationships are important to you but can they be your purpose or mission?  They may be a part of it – but it is unlikely they are the whole thing.

How can I know this?  Because as unfortunate as it is; those relationships can and do end.  Your significant other can leave, die or – like some of us – never be found.  😉

Your children will eventually leave (god willing) and if they were your sole purpose – now what?  Many women have struggled to “find themselves” after raising children and then dealing with the empty nest. 

There are some guidelines to discovering your mission.  I’ll share a few with you.

A) Your mission is not your job or business.  Just like your mission is not your role, you mission does not have to do with your occupation.  Can your job or business help fulfill your mission?  Absolutely!  Mine does.  But your mission can be lived, expressed and fulfilled under any circumstances.  Think of Nelson Mandela.  His mission was to end apartheid in South Africa.  For over 20 years in prison, he was steadfast in his commitment to see his mission fulfilled.  And look at all he accomplished from behind bars.

B) If it has no passion, it’s not your mission.  When you discover your mission, it is deeply personal.  It’s exciting and scary all at the same time.  It seems overwhelming at first as our minds race to figure out HOW we will accomplish it.  But it rarely can be denied once we realize it.     

C) Your mission will help heal your wounds.  We all have circumstances in our past that left us with some type of scars whether they emotional, mental, physical or spiritual.  Many people will spend years in therapy trying to get to the root of their anger, guilt, or low self-esteem. There is nothing wrong with trying to understand ourselves.  But I have seen nothing more effective for healing than for someone to discover and embrace their purpose in life.  Why? Because your purpose usually makes sense of the suffering you’ve endured. 

I will share an example from my own life in the next issue of this Ezine along with some other guidelines to help you discover your purpose!

My 2-year old nephew Kai has a favorite word…NO! He uses it all the time. Even for things he wants to say yes to. Sometimes I’ll even ask him a series of questions to try and trip him up.

Me: Kai, it’s time to eat lunch.
Kai: No!
Me: Aren’t you hungry?
Kai: No!
Me: Do you want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
Kai: No!
Me: Do you want ice cream instead?
Kai: Noooouhhhyeahhhhh!

He’s so programmed to say no that lately his Yes has sounded like this – Yeowww – and I have to ask for clarification – is that a yes or a no? – only then will he say “yes” perfectly clear.

As amusing as this stage of development happens to be (and at times, completely frustrating), it is fascinating to watch how easily Kai rejects every suggestion or request of him without one iota of guilt or self-consciousness.

Somewhere between 2 and adulthood, that defiance, that love of the word “no” will get squashed or at least repressed. Through discipline, school, social norms, Kai will lose his affection for the word and maybe even his ability to say it when needed.

Now, I’m not saying that we should never discipline stubbornness or obstinance in children. There are definite boundaries I have with my nieces and nephews and they are very clear where the line is.

My point is that this essential trait of being able to say “no” is usually removed from us and as adults (depending in part on gender and personality type) we may have difficulty saying no to the requests of others.

We coach a lot of women in our business and one theme we hear over and over is OVERWHELM. When we start to get at the root of the cause (overwhelm is the effect) we see that the inability to say no has many of them overbooked, overworked, and running on empty.

So what’s at the root cause of the inability to say no? Typically it stems from a chronic need to please others brought on by low self-esteem and a need for approval.

That’s why I think Kai’s ability to stand toe-to-toe to me in defiance is actually a beautiful thing…something I’m almost afraid to discipline out of him. That self-esteem, independence, and chutzpah he has right now are such useful traits for his future.

So what can you do if you realize you are over-obligated because of your inability to say no?
First things first – select one thing you want to say no in the future (no sense worrying about the past). Maybe it’s helping that neighbor who always seems to be in need of your time. Maybe it’s the PTA monthly meeting that you end up running every month.

Here’s how to identify what you should say no to. What makes you feel resentful after you agree to it? Resentment is a sure sign you should have said no in the first place.

Second, the very next time this request comes up, simply say to the person, “I’m sorry. I’d like to help but I can’t.”

That’s it. No excuses or reasons. This short, simple statement conveys your sincere desire to help but your regret that you can’t. It’s also very important that you say nothing else after this statement. Let them talk next. Otherwise you run the risk of feeling guilty and then committing to something else instead.

Last, remember practice makes perfect. If you’ve spent a lifetime saying “yes” (well, since you were two anyway!) it will take some time to get used to saying “no”. Expect some setbacks. But with some practice and reminding yourself WWKD (“What would Kai do?) you may be able to break the bad habit of always putting other’s needs ahead of your own.