Ask yourself these 5 questions

So think about the last time you were upset about something. Then ask yourself these questions:

1) What happened?

2) What are the facts? (what could be seen and heard by others, verifiable facts, observable behaviors = he took the last biscuit is a fact; he is selfish is not)

3) What am I adding to the facts? (Most of our stories embellish the facts and add inflammatory language. “He always” or “she never”, or derogatory terms such as “jerk” or “chauvinist”)

4) What am I pretending not to know? (What facts might actually disprove my story if I were to acknowledge them?)

5) Have I been guilty of this very same thing? (But when I did it – I had a good reason. My intentions were good, my behavior was bad. But with them – their intentions are automatically evil.)

Often you will find that it is what you’re telling yourself (your story) rather than what is actually happening that is causing the negative reaction.

Now when people become upset, I know to ask them “what are you telling yourself about this situation that has you so upset”. Even more powerful is when I remember to ask myself that same question.

Once you’ve mastered doing this with past situations, start to apply it in the moment. As soon as you feel yourself getting triggered (usually some physical sensation, tightness in your chest, faster heart rate, sweaty palms), take a time out and ask yourself those five questions. The old adage “count to 100” seems to make sense now that we know what we we’re supposed to be doing during the one hundred seconds.

Over time, you will be able to practice this outside “observation” before the situation begins to deteriorate and take steps to keep it on a positive track.
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